Napigilang Katangahan

Eto na. Tagalog na.

Matagal tagal na din akong hindi nagpost ng kahit anong blog tungkol sa pagiging ina ko, o kahit ano na tungkol sa mga gaya kong nanay na. Ngayon lang ulit, sa wikang tagalog.

Kanina na lang, napag-usapan namin ang pagboblog ng english ang gamit. Madalas kase alam ko na may mali ang grammar ko at iniisip ko na malamang kung sino man ang nagbabasa nun pinagtatawanan niya na ako. Pero wa Care pa din ako...

Ang sunod kong iboblog ay tungkol sa pagiging mahina ko. Mahina as in WEAK. Sabi nila sa dami ng pinagdaanan ko kilala na daw nila akong napakalakas. (strong) hehehe... SUPER..... (at ito na ang sinasabi ko na mahirap din tagalugin ang mga bagay na mas maganda sabihin sa english..)

So, ayun, 20 years old pa lang nanay na ako and hindi pa ako kasal nung mga panahong iyon. So marami pa akong hindi tamang nagawa.

Tinatanong ko lagi sa  sarili ko kung masaya ba ako sa naging buhay ko. Sa mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay ko. Nung mabuntis ako sa panganay ko. nahirapan talaga akong isipin kung paano ko paninindigan ang pagiging ina.

Actually sa totoo lang ni hindi ko nga alam kung tama na nagstay ako sa tatay ng anak ko. Kase noong nakilala ko si Brian (tatay ni Ken at Bea) Sobrang hindi talaga siya maayos. As in hindi, Panay ang inom ng alak, basagulero, babaero, at higit sa lahat walang direksiyon sa buhay.

Gusto ko lang sabihin, hindi ko din alam kung anong bagay ang nakita ko para magustuhan ko siya. (truly, love is BLIND) so... OO bulag ako, bingi at higit sa lahat MARTIR..... halos lahat na ng sakit na pwedeng maramdaman ng isang babaeng nagmamahal naramdaman ko na (super dramatic) and hindi ko ine exaggerate... totoo lahat, (physical, emotional, mental....) yun lahat yun!!!! MARTIR talaga....

Pero, alam ko sa ibang hindi pa ito alam, magugulat kayo dahil OO naging WEAK ako at some point in my life.... And hindi lang siya basta WEAK.... TANGA as in STUPID talaga...... OO at dalawang beses pa yun... hindi nadala sa isa... dalawa....

Siguro meron talagang time na, napapagod ka, tapos gusto mo kahit papaano makakuha ng attensiyon, ng kahit sino.... as in kahit sino... basta magkaroon ka ng pagtutuunan ng pansin bukod sa anak ko at sa asawa ko....

So ayun, nagkaroon na nga.... Sa asawa ko, meron akong time na ang love nagkaroon na ng sukat... dapat diba hindi nasusukat ang love, sa sobrang dami ng napagdaanan ko nagkaroon na.

Ayun sa dating Immeasurable love, nagin 25% diba kunti na lang... konting konti... natitira yun dahil kahit anong gawin ko hindi siya mawala wala... may anak kase kame... At yung 25% na yun ay hindi na dahil sa sarili ko... dahil sa anak ko....

At meron din naman kaseng mga taong hindi ko alam kung nagtetake advantage lang sa vulnerability ko at pagkastupida... or talagang nabighani lang sa kagandahan at kabaitan ko.... Hay naku... hindi ko alam... at sa tingin ko hindi ko na malalaman...

Eto na, yung una... Isa siyang Team Lead... sa team namin, of course di ako magbibigay ng name. Kase nga bad yun... ayun, naging crush ko siya... and in return parang ganun din siya sa akin... so parang naging kame, pero hindi umabot sa point na may nangyari sa amin, kase nakokonsensiya pa ako at hindi ko din kase sure kung anong nararamdaman ko... so Brian, ayun same, lasing sa gabi, may babae???? (oo alam ko na kahit kame nambababae siya and yes....martir talaga ako, tinatry ko lagi na alamin kung bakit niya nagagawa yun pero hindi niya ako masagot so ako na lang ang sumasagot... HINDI niya ako mahal... pero paano naman ang anak namin???? diba???

So ayun, mejo tanga nga diba... tuliro at masamang babae na ang turing ko sa sarili ko kahit na alam ko namang hindi ko nagawa yung pinakamasama...

Eto pa, so tinapos ko na kung ano man ang namagitan sa amin nung team lead na yun... at naging magkaibigan kame... at alam ko magkaibigan na lang talaga kame... wala agad kung ano man yung kilig ko dati, so in short hindi ko naman pala siya minahal.... at hindi na mamahalin pa...

Haayy... nakakapagod pala balikan yung mga ganung kwento... nakakapagod isiping.. ang tanga tanga ko talaga...

Meron pa, isa naman, hindi ko siya pwede idescribe and hindi ko din pwede pangalanan, kase maraming makakaalam dahil sikat siya (uy, sikat daw...)

Eto namang isa, naghahanap lang siguro ako ng pansin... at ng importansiya sa mata ng ibang tao, at ibinigay nya yun...

Dahil malapit siya sa akin sa trabaho, madalas na namang sabay kame kumain, magkasama, at magkausap,
lagi niya nasasabi noon na namimiss agad niya ako. At eto alam niya na may asawa at anak na ako, alam niya din na masyado akong nahihirapan sa sitwasyon ko... at akala ko nung una, naaawa lang siya.. Pero ganun din ang nangyari, pagkakaiba lang may gf na siya... and maganda at alam kong hindi niya kayang iwan, so in short, hindi din niya ako talaga gusto... same here.....

We stopped there.... I stopped there... narealize ko... Mali at maling mali na wala akong kontrol sa nararamdaman ko. At once naisip ko iprioritize ang nag-iisang tama sa buhay ko, ang ANAK ko.

Dun, dun ko naisip na may solusyon pa, kailangan ko pa isave kung ano man ang natitira sa amin ng asawa ko. Pinilit ko siyang kausapin para pareho naming ayusin ang kung ano mang magulo sa amin....

Lumipas ang isang taon, naramdaman ko naman kahit paano na mahal pa niya ako at mahal pala niya ako... Nagbago sya unti-unti.... hangang sa nagkakaroon na ng direksiyon ang pagsasama namin... Nasundan agad yung panganay... Love nga naman....

Sa ngayon, may mga bagay pa din kaming hindi napagkakasunduan.. pero di tulad ng dati, napipigilan ko na ang pagiging REYNA ng KATANGAHAN.... and Im so happy......

At least, hindi na umabot sa puntong hindi ko na alam kung sino ako at kung ano ang gusto ko.....

Lesson learned, hindi talaga magiging solusyon kapag bigla mo lang naisip at naramdaman, kailangan lahat ng bagay, pinag-iisipan, at pinag-uusapan, Ang pabugso bugsong damdamin ang dahilan kung bakit maraming pamilya ang nasisira....

Kahit may butas, kung pwede pang bumili ng sinulid at karayom, tahiin, yun nga lang mahirap talaga ishoot ang sinulid sa butas ng karayom... diba nakakaduling yun......

Yun lang!!!!!

Mommy Diaries Part 2: Sacrifices

And I quote, “Sacrificing your happiness for the happiness of the one you love, is by far, the truest type of love.”

“We were not ready yet.” This was what I thought when I learnt I was pregnant. Like I said, I was just 20 years old then. I was just on my third year college. I have good grades and I do intend to graduate on time. That was why I didn’t give up school even though I was pregnant.

It was so hard to continue studying while pregnant; some of the students in our school would look at me, criticizing my pregnancy at a young age, some were concerned, and some were admiring my perseverance in pursuing my studies.

Since it was my last year at school, I had my thesis and on-the job training on my curriculum. I took Mass Communication so I had my on-the job training at different fields of Mass communication, Last one I had was at ABS-CBN, studio 23. I had to wake up at 3am; the hardest part of it was that I was already 7 months pregnant at that time. I thought to myself, one more semester and I’m done.

But the thing was… It wasn’t the biggest sacrifice I did for my baby. I knew it was my fault that I got pregnant and I was very willing to take the consequences. I had no problems with finishing school at that time because the parents of the man who got me pregnant (who is now my husband) took responsibility of all my school finances.

So there, my problem was, at that time, I wasn’t sure if my partner was ready to be a dad. He was always sober, he was always into trouble. And was always dishonest, he cheated a lot of times and I was able to still forgive him and stayed by his side… for our soon to be born child. With him I was hurting emotionally, mentally and physically… but I thought to myself I love him and we shall stay together for our child.

It wasn’t an easy sacrifice. I was raised in a broken home. Had a mom and dad but never really saw them together, plus, I was always stuck into making decision who to live with. And of course I don’t want that to happen to my own child. This I have to think about every time I was hurting.

2002, was the year when he (my husband now) became my boyfriend. Then 2004, he got me pregnant. And I guess it took him four years more to be mature and realize I won’t live him and I will stay no matter how bad he treated me. So, it was just last year.

Last year, when we got our love back to being LOVE (not because of our first born), we had our second fruit of love. And then we decided to get married.

I never regret about the pain I endured during the time he neglected my love and my sacrifices for my child because I can see my son happy. And we are now a family. We may not be a Happy family, but at least we are still a family.

MOMMY DIARIES Part 1: Mom at 20

How many moms do you know? And what kind of moms are they?

I just figured out I should write about moms, since I am already a mom, I have my own experiences to share being a mom.

I had my first born child, (Brien Ken D. Ugaddan) when I was 20 years old.

Of course, being a young mom, I had to experience everything first hand. I felt confident about having my own child but kind of scared at the same time. I have a little knowledge about babysitting because I’m the eldest daughter, but I guess it’s really different because it’s my own child now.

But since, I was a product of a broken family; I swore I’d do everything to have a happy and complete family for my own baby. And I won’t let the things that happened to me happen to him.

Just to share my experience giving birth, I think most of the women who are pregnant would know that they will be giving birth because of their water bag breaking. But mine was different; it was month of December 2008, after dancing and partying because of Christmas celebration. I didn’t get enough sleep because of frequent urination. Good thing I have a scheduled check up with my Ob-gyne the next day.

So the next day, I visited my doctor and she confirmed that my water bag was already leaking but did not break. She instructed me to proceed to the hospital where I should be giving birth because I need to be admitted so that they can monitor the heartbeat of the baby. Because she said that I could be giving birth anytime soon.

Good thing my in-laws prepared the things I need to bring and I just needed to tell my mom to get ready. I called my mom in panic, and cried in excitement. By the time my mom arrived at our place I was ready and waiting at our garage. My mom carried all my things to the car and we drove off to the hospital. After my in-laws settled everything with regards to our finances, I was admitted already.

From 3pm that afternoon, I was experiencing labor pain, frequent contractions… it was indeed very painful when you experienced labor pains. But then, my mother in-law paid for my delivery to be painless, after the tiring labor pains, last thing I remembered was being moved from the labor room to the delivery room. I remember shouting as they said “PUSH”…. and passed out.

Next thing I remembered, my husband was there beside me and my mom. They both said my first born was healthy and very handsome, they said he looks like his dad.

Since everything was ok they allowed us to go home the following day. When they allowed me to see him, and hold him on our way home, I felt so excited… He was so little, he looks fragile and at the same time I felt I was stronger, more inspired and more mature person. I needed to be because I have him to worry about now. It was the most wonderful feeling in this world….

Falling Star

When I was young I always believed that when you wish on a falling star, it will come true.

I would always look outside our window at night, up in the sky when the night is young, and all the stars are starting to show up. I search for one falling star to grant one simple wish.

Even though I don’t know how a falling star really looks like. I would just wish on every light I see that somehow looks like it’s a star going down or falling.

That one simple wish would be that my mom and my dad will be together again. I grew up not seeing them together, the usual happy family. Where you will go home after school and find your mom waiting for you at the doorstep to ask you, “how school dear?” and then before going to bed your dad, will visit you in your room to wish you goodnight and then kiss you on your forehead. Or, all of you will be sitting down the breakfast table the next Sunday morning, then after breakfast, prepare for Sunday mass.

I see this picture of a nice family, but not in my own home. I see them in most of my friends’, my cousins’ and my neighbors’ houses.

Both my parents had kids, different family. That’s when I realized; it’s never true and will never come true. That “when you wish upon a star” is just for fairytales and my life is not a fairytale.

My life is twisted and cruel. And it doesn’t always have a happy ending. My believing in all those wish on a falling star faded but my FAITH in GOD did not.

So, instead of wishing I continuously prayed. That somehow God will find me worthy of a happy family, that one day I will find a home.